M0nster Interview

Mike aka M0nster is awesome. I don't really know what else to say that you won't figure out in this interview, so check it out:

1) Who are you? Where are you from? What do you do?

i'm Mike from Clearwater, Florida. i'm at the beach most of the year and i'm the personal assistant for pornstar Stormy Daniels. i travel with her when she goes out on appearances and generally just hang around and keep her amused. the first porn movie that i co-wrote with Stormy is being shot next week, and then i'm going to tour Europe with the hardcore band 108. other than that, i stay home with my dog, go to stripclubs, watch movies and try to do as little as humanly possible.

2) You're 33 and haven't had a job since you were 16. You also seem like you live pretty lavishly. How do you do this? What do you put for your profession on your income taxes?

i'm not really into working, so i've always found creative ways to avoid it. somehow, i've lucked out and i now own a house, a car, and a bunch of nice shit. i never saw myself making it to age 30 when i was growing up and i never planned for a future. i just take it day by day and hope for the best, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. as far as taxes go, in the past i've listed my profession as 'self-employed', 'professional wrestler' and 'circus acrobat'. i don't think anyone even reads that shit. i've always wanted to put 'street pharmacist', but i chicken out at the last minute. i don't want the FBI at my door.

3) You spend a lot of time hanging out with porn stars. You've also had sex with a bunch of porn stars. How do you do this and how can the kids reading this hang out with porn stars?

i don't even know how i've pulled off half the shit i've done. in all honesty, i just chalk it up to dumb luck. i met some people, they introduced me to some other people, and now i know a bunch of people in the porn business. as far as hooking up with porn girls, or any girls for that matter, i don't know what advice to give. real girls don't give a shit about colored vinyl or record collections. get out there and learn how act like a real person.

4) I've never met you, but I definitly got you laid. How did that happen?

if i remember correctly, you and i had planned some big 'Sex Vacation' to be held at my house in florida. we were gonna have a bunch of girls come down and get banged out. one girl backed out and the whole thing fell apart. one broad, who i'd met through you, already had her ticket and came down anyway. i fucked her once and then she went home. she was a cool girl, but the whole thing was just weird as fuck.

5) You've been straight edge and vegetarian for longer than most people reading this have been alive. What keeps you clean after all these years?

i just don't have any desire to eat meat or get fucked up, there's not much more to it than that. i've been really disconnected from the straightedge scene and hardcore in general for a really long time, so i don't even know how big the straightedge thing is anymore. most of the people i hang out with get fucked up or whatever, it's just not for me.

6) What was the Monster Crew and what role did you play in it?

Monster Crew was a West Coast Hardline Straightedge crew back in the mid-90's. it started in Salt Lake City and then spread out to California. everything got really
violent and really out of control in record time 20/20, Nightline, and America's Most Wanted all wound up doing stories on us. some of the stories floating around out there aren't entirely true, but whatever, we did some fucked up stuff. i'd have to say that our greatest contribution to the hardcore scene was pioneering the use of rubber grocery dividers as weapons. kids need to bring that shit back.

7) Did you ever ride BMX? What's your connection to the bike world?

I rode for a few years after I quit skateboarding. i got hurt more in the few short years that i rode BMX than i had in almost a decade of skating. i'd ride with local guys like Matt Coplan and Sean Albright out at the Skatepark of Tampa. i wasn't great by any means, but i had a good time.

8) You toured with Fifteen for many years but I understand you don't really get along with the singer anymore, or agree with the reunions that they did in the late 90's. Tell us about that.

Yeah, i started touring with Fifteen around the time that 'Choice of a New Generation' came out in 1993 or so. i toured with them all over the US, Canada and Europe up until 1995 when they first broke up. the singer, Jeff Ott, wound up finding Jesus shortly afterwards and he kinda lost his mind. he reformed the band with some 18 year old kids and put out some records that i never bothered to listen to. i'd much rather look back on my time with Fifteen in a positive light than watch somebody desperately cling to their past glory in order to make a quick buck.

9) Explain your involvement in the competitive eating scene.

it was just some phase that i went through last year. just like all the other stupid shit i get fixated on, nothing much came of it. basically, i'd attempt to eat inhuman
amounts of food to amuse my friends and myself. i'd wind up with a stomach ache and everyone would have a good laugh.

10) True or false: You have stopped messing around with a girl and told her to go in the bathroom and shave her pubic hair, then when she was done you commenced having sex with her.

true. broads need to keep themselves well groomed. i've got good hygiene and i expect the same from the girls i hang out with. it's totally common sense.

11) Have you ever beaten up a member of Earth Crisis and if so, why?

oh man, i'm not sure exactly who i was fighting with that night. the back story is that Earth Crisis was playing a show in Tampa, Karl jumped off the stage and punched Matt Coplan for no reason, which started a huge brawl. a bunch of us wound up fighting with Earth Crisis and their roadies that night and we came out on top. they came back a few months later with VOD and hid inside the club because there was a big group of us in the parking lot waiting for them. don't fuck with Tampa, there's something in the water down here. people here just ain't right.

12) I think it's pretty clear that you think hardcore is dead. Why is that, and what bands are still holding it down?

i lost interest in hardcore when the Youth Crew Revival thing came around in the late 90's. nobody was doing anything original, just simply rehashing something i'd already lived through a decade earlier. what's the point? it all seemed so fake and i wanted nothing to do with it. since then, i've been to less than a dozen shows and haven't really seen or heard many bands that stood out. i'm still into some hardcore, bands like Gehenna, Ringworm, Integrity, 108 and Avail are what i listen to on a regular basis. i got turned onto Colin of Arabia through a friend not too long ago and i'm pretty into them now, they're good dudes and we party whenever they come down to Florida.

13) I'm pretty sure you don't listen to much rap but I'm also pretty sure you've hung out with Lloyd Banks. How did that happen? Have you hung out with any other hip hop luminaries?

i listen to old Ice Cube, all the Kool Keith projects and the Geto Boys quite a bit these days. i hung out with Lloyd Banks at the AVN Porn Awards when i went as Stormy's date. he was kind of a dick and didn't want to be photographed with any of the girls. the next year, that dude Chingy was there and grinding all up on a tranny named Vanity, except he though it was a woman. i got in a fight in Miami and kicked a guy in the face right in front of Puff Daddy, i think he was stoked on it. Busta Rhymes is really cool, i've met him a few times and he's chill. there was that one night where i was in the club with Dipset, Three-6 Mafia, Chamillionaire and Lil Wayne. all i could think of was how you'd totally kill to trade places with me that night.

14) Yes or no, have you ever killed someone?

no. i've done some really fucked up things, but that's not one of them. i did put a real bad curse on somebody once and their life has slowly crumbled since that day. each time something else happens, i think to myself that it can't possibly get any worse for them, but it does. i take real pride in that.